Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!

okay now it's your turn :D

Because I damn well please

Being home on vacation means I have time to blog about random rubbish :D
Although, on principle I like to avoid doing 'I've been upto this' kind of posts... but hey, it's the holiday mood... so I'll take a break from regular blogging and do just such a post.

What have I done since the last post? It took me two days of sleeping through the day to get over my jet lag. Today I was up (relatively) early and managed to go out shopping with mum. In typical womanly fashion we ended up wandering practically over the entire town trying to find the perfect material for a blouse ( I know, I know!)... what we did buy though is a saree for each of us and a suit... total unplanned purchases... but they made us happy :D I got a bottle green printed silk saree with a cream border and pallu and have since been trying to figure what design to get the blouse stitched in. Oh we also went to the tailor and I had to give measurements and all for a suit... I've done this stuff before but it amuses me a lot now... having gotten used to walking in, looking at labels and walking out after buying (or not). Also went to the bank and managed to get those buffoons to change my address... after SIX FLYING MONTHS. I'd put in a request the last time I was here and they did NOTHING. And now that is done, but I have to wait an entire month to get a new debit card and internet banking ID... a month that I don't have. Hmpfh.

Oh and mum took me to see a friend of hers who is a librarian. We socialise with comedians (other than having them as family)... and so this aunty was telling us about their evening of dumb charades from the weekend. Apparently someone cam eup with the brilliant title of "Ek sookhe kuen mein tairti hui mare hue kutte ki laash" to act out. Needless to say, everyone was in splits and no one got it.

Then mum brought me back home for lunch. Oh ya, I don't drive. So when I come home I have to be ferried around. I do manage to drive the two-wheeler if it's very necessary (read, urgent catch-up with friends who live near)... but otherwise I'm quite helpless. Also shameless... coz I refuse to learn driving :P Well, I'd like dad to teach me... but timings never match and that's pretty much my excuse. Lunch consisted of modak, rice and rasam, aloo sabzi... and more which I forget now. Then it was time for some random perusing of old RD articles which I had read and byhearted long since. See, that's the comfort of being at home... familiarity :)

Then... dad got home early and we went out to the optician and opthalmologist. I was given contact lenses. The doc pretty much treated me like a toddler... cut my nails and made me wash my hands properly and made sure they were dry and then made me practice putting on lenses and taking them off till he was satisfied I wouldn't gouge my eyes out. And once we go out of there (marvelling all the while that my glasses were off and I could see even then! And feeling weird without glasses) more shopping happened... the long sought after blouse piece was bought (by the light of a kerosene lamp as the peddlers were wrapping up for the day)... and we got home to dinner... consisting of the chat stall speciality here... cucumber slices with chutney and grated carrot and churmuri (puffed rice)... bhel (made at the table without any effort :D) sevaiya upma and still feeling hungry... mum's packed me off with a dabba of gajar halwa which waits by my side right now :D

Yes indeedy I'm having a vacation :D

Thus ends my random post. You read this far? Wowie! Thenks :D

Ghar ki baatein

Seeing beloved faces and wondering how they;ce changed in six months. Banter.
The family (including very time-conscious and living-by-the clock type g'parents) stay up way past midnight for you to get home.
The folks switch on a Good-night mat because you're allergic to mosquito coils.
And then are SO excited about your being home that they come in to wake you up hour on the hour... jet-lag and sleep deprivation be damned :D
Papa proudly pointing out developments.... and you look on amusedly because this is where you lived and it just feels nice to be back, development or not.

Mum makes pudine ke chutney... though you didn't say a word to her about it :D
Gran and G'pa saying 'We were just waiting for that wondering why it took you so long' when you repeat your bachpan ka aadat of going and pulling their cheeks and squiching the living daylights out of them.
Dad says 'We programmed the st-box to get English channels just for you!' ... forgetting you don't actually watch TV :D
Dad also BLARES the Carpenters on the stereo... excited about getting the whole collection to listen to :)
Just being at home... wandering from room to room... and reconnecting... revelling... being on Vacation :)
Other things can wait.
Neo... I do miss you though. You better be planning me a grand re-union-cum-birthday party :)

Mumbai

I know I keep quoting the Guardian incessantly... but this article is so well-written that it deserves mention.

I only took exception to this part "... I would occasionally happen upon a Bollywood movie on the television. After a few minutes watching a bunch of sari-clad dancers cavorting on a Swiss mountain to tuneless music...". Kabhi Kabhie and Silsilay (to quote examples, among others) had awesome soulful music. Guess Bollywood isn't for everyone as Amrita says. Do read on.

Life on the hard shoulder

Only when he got lost in the slums of Mumbai did Simon Beaufoy understand what his latest script needed to be. He recalls the breathtaking inspiration for Slumdog Millionaire
Simon Beaufoy
The Guardian, Friday 12 December 2008

Two weeks ago, two years after first visiting Mumbai, I watched the news footage of the terrorist attacks. A city that for me had become almost a fairytale character in a film had suddenly become prey to depressing reality. At VT station, where the director Danny Boyle staged the brazenly uplifting dance number that ends Slumdog Millionaire, lie lumps on the platform. Luggage and dead bodies. I suddenly wondered if we hadn't been seduced by the wonders of the city and made a rather naive film.

Slumdog Millionaire
Release: 2008
Country: UK
Runtime: 120 mins
Directors: Danny Boyle, Loveleen Tandan
Cast: Amil Kapoor, Azharudin Mohammed Ismail, Dev Patel, Irrfan Khan, Rubina Ali
More on this film

Two years earlier, I am lost in the maze of alleys in Mumbai's Juhu slum, a network of dark passages a few feet across, pierced by arrows of sunlight. In these canyons I stumble across dogs, chickens, water pipes, open sewers and thousands of families. Everywhere I go, I am pursued by two dozen grubby Indian kids all pointing and laughing at my pink, sunburnt face. "Hey, Mr Bean, you hot?" says a 10-year old troublemaker. (One is either Mr Bean or Rambo to these children, and it didn't take them long to make their decision.) I agree that it is certainly hot. Uproarious laughter, delighted slapping of hands. I've clearly fallen into their trap. "No, Mr Bean! It's cool today!" The ankle-biters who aren't engaged in this good-natured humiliation look a bit sorry for me. Isn't the Rich White Tourist supposed to pity the Poor Indian Slum Dweller rather than the other way round? But not for a second does it occur to me to pity these giggling streaks of lightning charging around the slum taking the piss out of me with such broad smiles. Which is interesting. I must make a note of that. If I can ever find a way out of here.

I see light at the end of a long, dark alley, skip over the river of sewage running its length and finally pop out into sunshine and space. The children run after me, laughing even harder. "No, no, Mr Bean!" And now I see why. I have walked straight into the slum's toilets. But these are toilets as I've never seen them before. Rickety wooden piers stretch along and above the slum's massive rubbish dump. Perched at the end of each pier is a tiny shack with only three walls and a hole in the floorboards. Where the fourth wall should be is nothing but open air and a magnificent view of Juhu's private airfield. Every morning, the poorest people in the world sit doing their business watching the richest people in the world fly in to do their business. Nothing could sum up the Mumbai experience more perfectly. I didn't quite know how or why, but I was sure I had found the first scene of Slumdog Millionaire.

The galley proofs of Vikas Swarup's vibrant, sprawling novel, Q and A, had been given to me a few months earlier. There was something deeply intriguing about the premise of a slum kid winning the Indian version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Equally intriguing, but in film terms problematic, was the structure. Each chapter of the book explained how he happened to know the correct answer: in effect a series of short stories. But while some of the stories linked together, others fired off into fascinating but unconnected tangents. There was no single, unwavering arrow of narrative to take an audience all the way through apart from the game show. And somehow, a game show just wasn't enough for me.

I just can't get excited about money as a motivation in a film. It leaves me cold. My heart does not sing if the final shot of the film is a slum kid snapping on a Rolex, getting in his Porsche and driving off into the sunset. In fact, my heart sinks. So, how to make a rags to riches story that doesn't revolve around money? There was only one way to find out: go to Mumbai.

They say that if you get caught in an avalanche it is hard to know whether you are facing up or down when the tumbling stops. The Mumbai slums are like an avalanche of the senses - an excess of smell, noise, taste and colour. Once I've turned the first corner, I'm not sure which way I came in or how I'll ever get out. But in this avalanche, something becomes abundantly and wonderfully obvious. This film just has to be a love story.

India is desperately romantic, utterly unashamed of its sentimentality, its generosity, its fierce pride and massive heart. And of all things, only love can overwhelm the seductive narrative of money that threatens to swamp the story. The euphoria of this discovery is soon replaced by the frightening realisation that I will have to reinvent the whole journey of the central character, Jamal the slumdog. I will also have to create the love of his life, Latika, and make their love story, not the quiz show, the real crux of the film. But what does a middle-class white Englishman know of a Mumbai slumdweller's life story? Not much.

I decide that the only way to do this with any authenticity is to return to my documentary roots. Whereas screenwriters are always being told "write about what you know", documentary makers prefer to dig, investigate, deliberately court exactly what they don't know. For me, it is the best way to work. Where's the fun in writing about what you know, when you can instead dive headlong into the new, the exotic, the utterly unknown?

So, I wander the slums apparently aimlessly, chatting to the children, community leaders, school teachers, beggars, rag-pickers, picking up gossip from the tea-stalls, snippets from the papers, gathering a patchwork of stories that might, goodness knows how, knit together. A gangster trial is never off the front page of the Times of India. Hindu/Muslim tensions are bubbling up again and the gang of beggars at one of the road underpasses tell me as much as a Dickens novel ever could about the pay-scale of mutilation. Misshapen limbs good, blindness better. I am particularly fascinated by the men and women who sleep on the hard shoulder of the motorways, their heads on a bedding roll a heart-stopping three or four feet away from the wheels of thundering trucks driven by overworked, exhausted drivers. It would only take the minutest misjudgment of the wheel to annihilate entire families of sleepers - something that I later learn is not uncommon. I am wary of approaching them with intrusive questions, but as so often in this city, they are open, happy to talk and politely puzzled at my questions. Sure, they have a slum to go to at night, but it's an hour's walk: if they sleep here right next to the building site they get an extra two hours' work in. Isn't it obvious? To my questions about the noise and the fumes they give me that very Indian, side-to-side shake of the head, which means: maybe yes, maybe no, maybe you make up your own mind and stop asking stupid questions. It's certainly better than working on the fields in the countryside where they all came from and were slowly dying of malnutrition. As to whether they are worried that a truck will kill them, they smile and shrug. Whatever God wills.

Again and again, all my preconceptions are overturned. They may be living on the hard-shoulder of a motorway, but the last thing these people are looking for is pity. In this city of 19 million people hurtling into the future, there is still, very present, an ancient sense of destiny, a word I find hard to define - even though I seem to have written a film about it. The poor live right next to the rich without any of that western sense of entitlement, judgment or envy. There is a sense of rightness and understanding in whoever one is and whatever one is doing. Not passivity, but acceptance. I can barely explain it to myself, let alone convey it in a film. I can only try to carry my sense of it into the characters and their lives and resolve never for a single frame to elicit pity in the audience.

But this isn't just a factual and philosophical education. Something strange is happening to my writing. The usual, mealy-mouthed English nuance and subtext is being replaced by something that is bordering on melodrama. What use subtext in a city of such total extremes? Nuance doesn't stand a chance in the car horn symphony of a Mumbai traffic jam. So a torture scene is followed by a comedy toilet scene, the blinding of a child by a Buster Keatonesque stunt sequence. Tonally it really shouldn't work. In any other city in the world, I suspect it wouldn't work. But in Mumbai, not for nothing known as Maximum City, somehow I get away with it. And it is only a matter of time before the inevitable happens and a Bollywood song and dance number jumps into the script.

As a child growing up in a grey-skied Yorkshire village, I would occasionally happen upon a Bollywood movie on the television. After a few minutes watching a bunch of sari-clad dancers cavorting on a Swiss mountain to tuneless music, I would switch over to some proper drama about housing estates and single mothers. But 25 years later, sitting in one of Mumbai's aircraft hangar-sized cinemas, I finally understand. Twenty minutes into the film, everyone is still chatting away, a couple in front are having their dinner out of tin foil trays, their children charging up and down the aisles screaming, and most of the men are still shouting away on their cell phones. And then the song and dance number comes on. The projectionist cranks up the sound to an even more unsafe level, and I am hit with a wave of sound, colour and amazing dancing. The music is part traditional, part hip-hop, part disco. Just like the tone of my script, it's a ridiculous mixture that shouldn't work. But it is infectious beyond anything I have heard in years. I mischievously decide to write the end dance sequence on the platforms of VT station, Mumbai's equivalent of Waterloo station. That should keep the producers busy.

The structure of the book defeats me for weeks as I try to transform it into a script. The story constantly moves backwards and forwards in time. Three different timeframes: Jamal's recent past on the game show, Jamal's distant past and Jamal's present as he recounts the story of his life to the police inspector after his arrest. This jigsaw leaves me puzzled for weeks. I set myself the task to avoid any sense of flashbacks. No "10 years earlier" captions, no sepia tones. The past must be as real and as urgent as the present. All the time, I have director Danny Boyle's laconic advice hanging over me. "It's got to be Romeo and Juliet, otherwise, what's the point?"

After the terrorist attacks, I email the crew, hoping that everyone is okay. A flood of emails return. They are passionate, fervent, utterly unbowed. In the face of unsurpassed cynicism, the language is still romantic, fierce, proud. "A few drops of blood cannot stir the spirit of Mumbai and us Indians," I am told. I realise that the tone of Slumdog Millionaire wasn't in the end created by us film-makers but by the city itself. We were infused by a people that celebrate life unconditionally, in all its joys and hardships. And no terrorist attack will ever change that.

• Slumdog Millionaire opens on January 9

WTF moment

Found this while doing my daily round of the web.

Seriously?! Like, THIS makes news? Really? And they want their votes back? For THIS reason?!

Listen up you dumb people, you have it going good. You're not living in Mumbai are you? Coz the terror attacks just happened there. Oh and they happen quite regularly. And there's no saying for the people there if they'll be alive the next day. You don't live in Congo either. Or in Zimbabwe. In short, you actually have nothing like a life-size crisis to deal with. So instead of making a fuss about how your President-elect does not use the latest gadgets and is hence obsolete and you think that amounts to him being incompetent, take a deep breath, calm down, let go and GET A BLOODY LIFE. Try focusing on reading up on his policies so you're well informed. Or get off your ass and do something to help people who have actual problems.

Oh btw, the Ipod? And the Mac? They're just brand names at the end of the day. No, the world won't end if you cease to have one. Yes yes, it's perfectly true. Deal with it.

Refusing to bow down

You effing miserable excuses of humanity, it did not work. Boo bloody hoo, you suck. Because you thought you were making a point blowing up things and murdering innocents. But guess what? You failed to. And how sodding pathetic is that? You didn't accomplish anything you miserable failures!!!

Because we refuse to be scared. We refuse to bow down to you.

You see, you only have one trick up your sleeves and it's gotten rather old. Doesn't surprise us anymore. Sure you think we can't stop you, yet, and it looks like life returns to normal the next day, till you deign to grace us with your disgusting presence again. But don't for a moment think you've scared us and we've gotten used to living in terror. We refuse to.

I'm so angry. I could tear those perpetrators limb to limb and set fire to each individual piece after dousing them in oil. Hot oil. After dipping them in salt.

I hate the media too. I have the local rag next to me screaming 'Scores die as terrorists hunt Britons'. What the FUCK? I know I live in Britain, but does it not matter that 'scores of people' have died? Would this incident have not mattered at all if Americans and Brits had not been involved? And I know this is a rag I'm referring to, not a national newspaper, but I saw nearly the exact lines quoted in a national newspaper and it's really bothering me, this angle that foreigners and the wealthy were targeted. Excuse me, but you perhaps did not notice this in your haste, but people have died. And not all of them were wealthy or foreign. They were ordinary people. They don't matter? IS this incident important because it involved the rich and Un-Indian? And that Israeli links are being mentioned. Are the media not jumping ahead of themselves? What kind of actual proof exists for any of this? Could they kindly for once quit bothering about TRPs and circulation numbers and just give us the goddamn plain facts?!

And the police did actually get involved. Some of them died. That is awful. But they were doing something! Given their public image of lazy, corrupt, never-lifting-a-finger types, this is ... comforting? Pardon my callousness.

What I'm really sick of is the muslims getting the blame everytime. No I do not have proof to say they were not actually involved and should not be blamed. But with each incident the numbers against this part of the population go up and that's just raising communal tensions. We do not need that!

A colleague came by and asked me if I had any relatives in Mumbai (And she actually said Mumbai!), I'm touched by that! Thanks J!

I' praying for the city and its people.

And as for the scum — I curse you. Shraap waala curse. Expletives aren't enough for you.

Edited to add: Gordon Brown has condemned the attacks.

Right. Thanks. That helps a whole lot ... Not. I'm sick of politicians making statements like this. We don't want to hear them anymore. They don't mean a thing.

Time can be frozen

in Bubblewrap.

Because...

You can grow up, do multiple degrees, hold a hot-shot hi-flying big ass job, become a parent... all those adult things.

And yet, the minute you see bubblewrap, you're five years old again.

Some day

none of this will matter

Madness Times Infinity

Since Rayshma says she's facing writer's block when blogging about these things, I'm going to try and fill in the blanks about our mad weekend moments. They seem funnier out of context so wait for the explanations.

1. See now THAT is why we don't up and leave like these heroines. We need a porter to carry all our luggage and it's always a problem finding one. (You're hardly going to ask the man you're leaving to please help you with luggage!)
2. HAHAHA!! Yeh Chinese mein Chloe to chhole bulate hain!!

1.] Was after watching a few videos which involved the heroine doing a classic bunk and leaving the hero heartbroken and confused...among other things.

2.] Was while watching 'Samantha Who?' with Chinese subtitles. They were using English to spell names and kept mis-spelling 'Chloe'. Tch tch.

The Sphinx Had A Woman's Head...

... because it makes sense. What else could have made the Sphinx such a complex thing? If wit and cleverness were the order of the day here then the Sphinx would have had Rowena Ravenclaw's head. But anyway.

The reason I thought of this is this article. I like her sign off:

What we want is a man with a full head of hair, a luminous jacket, and a good pair of lungs. We want someone who can shift crowds and move horses for a damsel in distress. We want our very own Superman.

Okay, it sounds nice. Rather, it sounds like a nice and simple solution to that age old question. Trouble is, I can't bring myself to think of it as anything beyond clever answer. It's not really practical you see. Women are to blame for this. According to the media anyway.

I am most certainly a feminist (okay wait, that doesn't seem to have any bearing on anything here) ... I cry foul when I hear a man go 'Women! Never know their own minds... so indecisvie!' To be fair, I agree that women are complex creatures by nature. But what I need to be crying foul about is how women are made to look indecisive, are projected as flighty creatures. Specially regarding men. Beings that can never decide what they want in a man and if a tiny unwanted trait is big enough to call something off.

It strikes me just now that my previous statement doesn't necessarily apply to any of the women I know. Most of them happen to be happily partnered or in no particular hurry to find a man and therefore not finicky or incessantly worrying over whether or not some poor chap is perfect for them and if they should look about some more.

But. There are such women. Plenty of them. I mostly see them on TV, or in movies. But that doesn't make them any less irksome. Sure I can switch the TV off or walk out of a movie. And that would leave me with books. I don't find much respite there either, however. I'm going to have to take up gardening at this rate.

How is it that the paramount life-changing dilemma in the lives of these projected, supposedly-imitating real life females is 'Which guy do I choose to be with?'. I'm not saying it is impossible for any woman to be involved in such drama. But why does it seem mandatory that all these women on screen representing the women of today have the same and only the one problem to define them — their life and their story. Why? It's rather demeaning and shrinks the role and the purpose of it to just one thing. Guy hunting. Surely there's more to the lives of modern women than just that? There definitely is. And I do not mean shoe shopping. Or clothes shopping. Or agonising over thread-counts in the sheets they buy. I mean deeper and more important issues. Like perhaps dealing with parents who have expectations that clash with your own. (And why is it that parents on screen are mere side characters?). Or losing contact with old frineds and battling with your feelings on realising that things might never get back to how they were. Or the age old 'What is my life about?' question. Realising that you're working your ass off and not getting much out of it and trying to get more out of life by doing something differently. taking up a new hobby. Why not any of these?

Women on screen are a bloody cliche. And I'm tired of being projected as a cliche. I am not one. And neither are any of the women I know. We do not spend hundreds on shoes. We do not max out our credit cards. We do not get stuck on one guy and refuse to let him move on. We do like to keep house and do a fairly good job of it. And are proud of those skills just as much as we are of our professional achievements. And we definitely do not define ourselves by our men, as extensions of them. Nor do we see-saw between several men trying to decide which one is nearest to that picture in our heads. Nor, break-up because the chap didn't remember an anniversary, doesn't arrange the cushions in a certain way, does not spout sonnets at the drop a hat, cannot dance, doesn't know what to do when you go out to a formal dining restaurant... endless list which is pointless.

In direct contrast to our projected lives, we love with passion and hold on to that love. Even when the object of our affections is nowhere near the perfect-person we had imagined. We learn to re-configure that image so we see this real-life person as perfect. And no one is forcing us to do that.

I've always had these 'I won't want to live with/marry any man who expects me to cook and wait on him hand and foot' ideas but I recently realised that it doesn't work that way. Marriage is about walking forward to that point and meeting half-way, willingly going out of your way to do things for your partner because they would do the same. And actually, it doesn't even seem like going out of your way. It just becomes second nature to do that... to look out and look after each other. That you will find a way of working around annoying habits if change isn't an option. And then, it won't matter if you don't get flowers every week, or that your partner doesn't seem to brag about you to friends, or that you don't get breakfast in bed. Because there are still moments and instances which speak, gestures that sweep you off your feet, though you hadn't ever thought them to be your idea of being swept off your feet, times when you're thankful you're not getting what you think you want. Because women are complex but can still be understood — just like a Sphinx's questions can be answered.

Flowers schmowers. Hmpfh. Can't compete with encouragement in the form of a violin bow.