(Many Happy) Returns

You know how salutary lessons leave you with a stinging feeling... like when you get slapped right across your face and it pains like hell... it hurts like hell doesn't it??? I just received a salutary lesson that I'm not going to forget for a long long time. No I wasn't beaten :P

And you know what else??? I'm actually feeling really good about this rap I received. It was just the wake up call I required. And I was lucky enough to be given it on the very day that is supposed to be the advent of something new, the day when supposedly turning over a new leaf if somehow more special, meaningful and likely to stick. My birthday.

First of all, as is my custom, here's a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig thank you and huge hug along with a round of applause for My Dearest Entity That Resides Above!!! Gotta hand it to you pal, you have a sense of humour :)

Right, this somehow changes things dramatically for the me who was whining about being a pathetic unsatisfactory grown-up in the last post. I was whining away thinking it's unfair that Life does not have a cash back facility for unsatisfactory products... because then I could trade in my unsatisfactory adult self for time dating back to my childhood when I was much better and start all over to basically end up with a new adult me who was somehow a better person...at least in the same vein as the kid me if not for better than that. But that, of course, is impossible.

But hey!! Turns out, Life does actually come with an offer.

That of an upgrade ;)

And so, it transpires that whiny me learns about the upgrade and is actually eligible for it :D

You know how they say sometimes you're looking all around for something only to realise after much time and effort (all the while feeling slightly stupid and foolish) that said thing is actually right under your nose?? THAT was my salutary lesson.

That I was being a complete idiot to rebel so against something wonderful that was being offered to me wholly. That I really was a nincompoop to not open my heart fully to the wonders that were up for grabs and thus being able to redeem SOME goodness instead of frowning and fretting and worrying about things I thought I wanted but was not able to have.

So maybe I haven't actually worked out the equation... but isn't that what a lifetime is for?? And maybe I won't stop making mistakes here... but I shall definitely amend this one.

I feel remorseful about what I have been doing... but mostly, I'm hopeful, I have faith... and I feel immense love. It's coming back... minutely perhaps... but it is. I can FEEL :)

Dear God,

I thought I was a goner
Perceiving what seemed like only trouble
But Faith, Hope and Love are here again,
I feel the goodness come...
Make mine a double

Loads and loads and loads of love and gratitude,
Anu

I don't know if I've grown up

It happened to me. Again. Only I thought I'd outgrown that.

Remember when you were a kid and you'd see someone else, most probably a fellow kid, and think to yourself "I wish i could be like her/him"???? THAT happened. But in a good way.

There's this girl. Let's not name her. Or maybe we will, once we have her permission to do so. Anyway, this girl. She's everything I was a very short time ago. And a whole lot more.

She's child-like... afraid of being over friendly for fear of getting hurt... but there are times when she is as friendly as a golden retriever on the first meeting. She gets close to people really easily, cares for them like they were born together and would go to lengths for them. She gets hurt too when she trusts people she was better off not being around in the first place and even then sometimes is so innocent as to continue caring for them and forgiving them when what they actually need is a boot on the butt and getting quarantined for being hurtful buggers. She's very expressive of her affection for people... enough to get her into trouble at times. She's essentially at the point where her innocence is intact and she's full of hope, faith and love. And I admit (shamefully) there were times when I thought she needs to 'grow up'. Ok admittedly there are things she needs to learn... but I won't want her to change for the world really.

I thought I'd grown up when I learned to judge whom I could trust and whom I could not, saving me the trouble of having to find out the hard way. But I lost the joy of getting to be everyody's best friend in the process. I lost the quality of being interested in everything related to everyone I knew when I distanced myself for fear of... knowing nothing, knowing too much... I don't know. I lost being able to believe so deeply in hope, faith and love as had been my credo. Was that really growing up I did???

She's a beacon of hope for me. I admire her. She has her heart in the right place and that is something that raises my respect for her. When am with her I feel ashamed of how cynical and untrusting I've become. I'm conscious of how easy it is for her to be enthusiastic and spirited and a complete riot that is always noticed in any room and how at the same time I'm distant, emotionless and a complete wet blanket on anything that's going on. She's said she admires how 'mature' I am and I always come away thinking how undeserving of that praise I am.

I look at her and I smile internally, at her idiosyncracies, her antics and her entire being... and I can't help wishing over and over again... that even if I were to be hurt all the time, I'd like to have her innocence be mine.

Because my new found vanity demands that I do this

it's my birthday in three days. my BIRTHDAY. WISH ME DAMMIT!! And NO questions about my plans OR my age (I'm 19 okay???) NO wisecracks, NO cake on the face, NO stupid comments. Loads of presents. Even more hugs. SHOW ME THE LOVE BABY!