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Monday, December 24, 2007

I don't know if I've grown up

It happened to me. Again. Only I thought I'd outgrown that.

Remember when you were a kid and you'd see someone else, most probably a fellow kid, and think to yourself "I wish i could be like her/him"???? THAT happened. But in a good way.

There's this girl. Let's not name her. Or maybe we will, once we have her permission to do so. Anyway, this girl. She's everything I was a very short time ago. And a whole lot more.

She's child-like... afraid of being over friendly for fear of getting hurt... but there are times when she is as friendly as a golden retriever on the first meeting. She gets close to people really easily, cares for them like they were born together and would go to lengths for them. She gets hurt too when she trusts people she was better off not being around in the first place and even then sometimes is so innocent as to continue caring for them and forgiving them when what they actually need is a boot on the butt and getting quarantined for being hurtful buggers. She's very expressive of her affection for people... enough to get her into trouble at times. She's essentially at the point where her innocence is intact and she's full of hope, faith and love. And I admit (shamefully) there were times when I thought she needs to 'grow up'. Ok admittedly there are things she needs to learn... but I won't want her to change for the world really.

I thought I'd grown up when I learned to judge whom I could trust and whom I could not, saving me the trouble of having to find out the hard way. But I lost the joy of getting to be everyody's best friend in the process. I lost the quality of being interested in everything related to everyone I knew when I distanced myself for fear of... knowing nothing, knowing too much... I don't know. I lost being able to believe so deeply in hope, faith and love as had been my credo. Was that really growing up I did???

She's a beacon of hope for me. I admire her. She has her heart in the right place and that is something that raises my respect for her. When am with her I feel ashamed of how cynical and untrusting I've become. I'm conscious of how easy it is for her to be enthusiastic and spirited and a complete riot that is always noticed in any room and how at the same time I'm distant, emotionless and a complete wet blanket on anything that's going on. She's said she admires how 'mature' I am and I always come away thinking how undeserving of that praise I am.

I look at her and I smile internally, at her idiosyncracies, her antics and her entire being... and I can't help wishing over and over again... that even if I were to be hurt all the time, I'd like to have her innocence be mine.


  1. I'm sure you'll discover (if you haven't already), that the conflict lies not so much in choosing between being trusting and being cynical, but in realizing that no matter what you choose, you will end up losing out on something.

    I'd love to be wrong about this, but at the moment, I just don't see that happening.

  2. cynicism might just be a way of growing up?

  3. Ashish: I think I already ended tat conflict... I chose what I wanted to lose. But it isn't so much a choice between being trusting and being cynical... it's more a mourning for the loss of your innocence... I'd say there isn't a choice really.

    Rossoneri: Sadly, it does seem so. Somehow growing up seemed more hallowed when one was a child. Maybe that's why people have kids... living your life through your kids is surely more than bugging them to be doctors and engineers :)

  4. We humans well might be an absolute laughing stock for the king above, eh ?? We fear each other to an extent where our beauties of being one are simply... crushed! Sadly innocence being one of those beauties leave marks on humanity showing much of rather immaturity.
    Aren’t we all scared. Aren't we all frightened creatures. Aren’t we all scared to the very depths of our minds and hearts. At some point or the other we all tend to
    hide our love of being human, so as to pertain our strength.
    To be true Anya , gift that girl
    the knowledge of the beauty she houses within.
    Don't let her ever hear what we all do at some point of our lives, the Requiem for Innocence.

  5. I find myself wishing that Douglas Adams was right and we're only a part of a supercomputer planet commissioned by mice... somehow that makes more sense than any of the answers anyone might come up with to this whole conundrum of life.
    I guess I can only hope my friend remains a sweet innocent for long... awareness is after all the beginning of corruption