So much for the faith I kept

So much for the pledges I made

So much for the prayers I sent up

So much for the price I paid



So much for the patience

And so much for the pain

So much for the efforts

That now seem to have been in vain



So much for the joy to be found in small things

So much for the small sufferings

So much for the weep I wept

So much for that night of sleep unslept



So much for everything endured

So much for the complaints

So much for having become inured

So much for a life that with felicity only acquaints

Good Lord!

Dear God,

How have you been?

As just one of the few thousand gadzillion specimens of one of the few thousand gadzillion species that you're responsible for, I'm assuming that you do have time now and then for me too. Yes Ben Elton said "He (Her/It?) created a few thousand other people the day you were born, He probably won't even remember your name" and while that sounds funny, I still would rather continue believing that at some point you do have the tiniest sliver of time just for me. Life being the joke it is and madness being a part of everything... I guess am allowed my idiosycracies. Save this for the time when it is my day. But hear me out.

I have a whole lot of questions... no not the usual boring ones of "Why am I here?" "What is my purpose in Life?" "What happens after we die?" stuff... I've managed to work out some of those... and the rest, I couldn't really care less about. I might have a couple of cliched questions... but you asked for it in creating us few thousand gadzillion creatures that are so darn the same at the end of every darn single day.

Let's first work out this equation between you and me. A whole lot of people give you some form they can believe in, some attitudes and values they believe you shall have and thus, satsified, believe in you, rever you, worship you. You hold no form for me. Like water you say?? No perhaps not... it too has some definite existence... you, in my mind, do not. You're a flexible being... An existence that I do believe in and interact with, but with the easy camaraderie of a long lost friend or cousin that one can share things with and not think too much about when you're away from each other... Someone I trust just accepts my existence and watches from a distance... perhaps pulling a string here and there and laughing in glee at my troubles and reactions. I do not however believe you vengeful... or malicious... maybe you do know what you're doinng pulling those strings... maybe you're blooy clueless yourself... But whatever it is, whether you're a child swallowing mud and then displaying the universe to his mother in there or a grumpy old man who wants nothing more than to be left alone with his things, a young woman of infinite beauty and virtue or a spirited young man taking charge of things with gusto... or maybe just a form... an unfathomable one... I am comfortable with you enough to thank you when am cooking, or curse you for giving women the pains you do.. mental, emotional, physical... and I can say things to you and without there being any reason, feel better for it. I suppose am actually imposing my will on you, into being something I want you to be... but what's so different from the way someone else would imagine you.. maybe just that in my mind you're a liberal free spirit.

That being clear... what have you been doing? to me?

Is this the part where you punish me or are you teaching me something subtly... if it's the subtlety, you ought to know it doesn't work with me... I prefer direct directions. You really ought to think about what you created in me... For evey cliched thing I do, there are about a thousand I do not...thoughts I have sometimes are plain warped...there doesn't seem to be an instruction manual that helps... lost it in the mail, did you? Assuming of course that we're in this together... that would make two of us lost causes... makes for an interesting experiment mind you, but thank you, I'd rather skip some of those tests.

You've made me feel things I hadn't believed possible for me. I just have to ask why. Your reasons of a higher purpose serve me no satisfaction... but then again, you'll take an eternity to answer and make me wait you will... will it help at all to ask for a clue in this time of turmoil?

I know I sound like am complaining a lot... can't help that either since I like my world ordered and the order you have in mind for me does not seem to agree with the order I have in mind for me. And yet, Lord, you've given me a whole lot of great stuff which I cannot stop thanking you for... am not trying to butter you up by saying that... on't see the point of it... loads of other people do it anyway and I definitely believe in being to-your-face... just... you're doing a great job there... be by me just as you have all this time. Did I say thank you yet again? No??? Well thank you very much for everything you've ever done... keep an eye on things and o see about the world peae and women's lib bit... extra brownie points if you get them over in a taxi-second time... cmon, you know I'm right.

Right then... take care of yourself... see you around. Oh that game of scrabble awaits... and yeah... hugs... ok enough beaming now. Show off :P

Love,
Me

Women Only

D has a new cure for those times when you need to let steam off really bad... caution: it's only for the female species... preferably, it ought to be administered by a close female friend. Take a deep breath... and hear your friend say:

"Shall I lend you my b***h?"

Of Things White and Wonderful

I went for a walk to the nearby Clissold's Park with A today... it's amazing how many white things I could find to admire there.

To begin with there were the clouds. London.. any place actually, has cloud formations hanging over them every other day but the ones I saw today were quite spectacular. You just had to look up to see these huge feathery wisps hanging over your head as if they were feathers waiting to swish the air about in a flurry... some looked like combs even. It was something to look about, trace the circumsphere of the planet and then see the clouds in juxtaposition to the planet's largeness... an entirely new perpspective to think about... made me see things differently indeed. For a moment I even gave over to thinking what if this swishy feathry thing above was a spaceship :D

Then there was that group that looked like a whole lot of ice skis had been shacked up randomly inside a shed. And one that resembled a dinosaur's spine. I think I kight have attracted some strange looks from people around as I was rather vocal about my observations... oh heck. I looked up the cloud formations and found out they were Cirrus clouds. They were breathtaking really... huge, pure white and awesome in totality.

Then there was the lone white pigeon we saw in the bird enclosure in the park... a loner among the budgies, cockatiels, lovebirds and parrots of brightly coloured plumage. And of course, the ever present, extremely cute and cuddly rabbits that are my special favourites in the mini zoo... they're always doing funny things... sniffing, eating vegetation adorably, chasing each other or sitting serenely with their big ears at attention... they seem quite deaf though... not one responds to anything you might say or do... big use of such ears I say. Like a friend said, those rabbits are rather 'mentally deranged'.

The last white thing we saw was unquestionably the winner. It was a labrador retriever... out with the owners for a stroll... but oddly enough, although the owners has tennis ball to throw for it to catch and seemed happy enough to do that, the spunky pooch wanted to run after the tennis ball that a bunch of guys were shooting back and forth with racquets... no amount of persuasion from the owners could make it change its mind... it ran back and forth between the players trying to get hold of the ball and even when one of them pretended to throw it but hid it behind him, the dog just ran madly. It seemed to respond only to this one player though... it stood staring at him eagerly while the guy behind it had the ball in his hand waiting to start. Silly dog :)

Moments of insanity... moments of insight

D had been over for the weekend... as with a gadzillion other people in this world who are friends like she and I are... we had our moments. A sneak peek:

1] We're standing by the lift waiting for it to come up so we can storm the common room to watch movies while we dine... I have a whole lot of stuff in my hands, balanced perfectly.

D: Were you Rajnikanth in your last birth?

A: Why?

D: Coz you're holding so many things with such ease

A (laughs, pauses and then says): No I was Rajnikanth's father... If I'd been born as Rajnikanth I'd still be Rajnikanth.

2] My room has a huge skylight that gives my room of one window a whole lot more light than if otherwise structured.

D: What is someone were to come into your room?

A: I lock the door and the window...

D: What if they were to come in from there (Pointing to skylight)

A: I'd complain to the authorities and they'd lose their jobs

D: What if wasn't someone human

A: Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

D: What if it was a female?? then you could see her undies!!!

A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! What if was a native ghost?

D: You'd see her undies all the more don't you think???

Annd the credit goes to...

In the end it all boils down to just two things:

You either love something (or feel for it in a lesser degree of love) or you don't.

What you can and do love makes life worth it. What you cannot and do not love, you must make peace with.

Making peace, of course, need not necessarily mean burying the hatchet. It could mean new beginnings, separations, endings and even silences. It works. It really does. Because when the end is near and the credits are about to roll, the good work is mentioned... the lighting, the direction, the script, screenplay, dialogue, performance what have you... things that went wrong make news momentarily and contribute to the end product... but what is remembered for long after is the good stuff- the stuff that one lived for. And making peace with things sure as hell gives you a lot more to live for.

Who do you blame for growing up???

When you're growing up, your skin stretches and leaves those stretch marks that you can never really get rid of. Something similar happens to your mind as well... you learn things you can never unlearn. There's no going back.

When you grow up to that level... you have most of the answers you're looking for... which ought to be good enough... but often, it still leaves you with a sense of helplessness and frustration... for although you know exactly what you need to, it doesn't leave you with much scope to let off steam when you need to... specially by passing the buck and blaming someone else for your problems or even just blaming someone for the sheer heck of it.

For every time you want to hold something or someone culpable you have a solidly logical reason why you cannot. Reasons that come in the shape of beliefs, quotes you've read someplace, advice given to you and a whole lot of principles or values you've carefully cultivated to that point... ones which you cannot give up for losing the very essence of what you've become by following those very things. And there isn't anything that survives the onslaught of logic in such cases. Have a look:

"My folks went wrong in quite a few places"

Argument: 'You canot blame your folks for what they did after the age of 25' - Character in Julian Barnes' England, England.

'They could've done worse' - Dr Cox in Scrubs.

"Why can't they bloody well behave themselves!!!"

Argument: You know very well what they're like... it's intheir nature and they're too immature anyway.

"God why can he not understand???!!!!"

Argument: Men!!! It's how they're wired... there's no hope of any of them ever understanding this... it's far too complicated for them.

"I wish my friends would keep in touch regularly"

Argument: Cmon don't fool yourself... you knew very well this was going to happen. Expectations never pay... unless you're having a baby. And sometimes even then they don't.

It's a snafu alright.... Situation Normal All Fd Up. Everyone goes through it... the point is... there's no point ot half the things one tries to find a point for. And you still don't get to blame anyone. At best... a few phrases buzzz around your brain repeatedly:

'What. the. HELL!!!'

'I didn't mean THAT'

'Oh gawd!!!'

'To hell with everything'

'GAH'

'HMPFH'

And a whole lot of times, a very comforting 'Oh Woooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww!!'