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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Now Available Encased in Bubble-wrap

I've come to the conclusion that I like to compartmentalise my life. It isn't so obvious now because I guess it's become an ingrained habit, but the fact is that I do go to lengths to keep the various people I know separate. I do not talk of my personal life at work. I refrain from mentioning family matters and anecdotes in front of friends. I have never ever tried to match-make or fix up any of my friends. I have never consciously made an effort to get one set of friends meet another set... although I might occasionally speak of one to another and thus spark some rare instance of one of them taking the initiative to chat up another (all thanks to social networking on the web... hmpfh!) In fact, recently, I have been thinking a whole lot that I ought not to have freely invited (ok coerced, pleaded, forced) people to read this blog given that I now feel like writing stuff I do not really want them to read... it's about anonymity now... whereas earlier it was about being praised for writing well...

:) Of course, one or two of them will certainly get in touch when they see this and grant me that sense of well-being that always accompanies their missives... but for the most part... maybe...

My penchant for compartmentalising has been highlighted in the light of recent events. Somewhere it even feels okay to do that...

I've managed to have arguments with a whole lot of my friends... not by actually doing anything... it's just happened. With those whom I have not somehow created a rift, I actually feel distanced... I haven't felt the pressing urge to shoot 3000 word emails to update them as I likely do every other week... Life's boiled down to going to work and coming home... a tiny bubble that seems self-sufficient and yet it's like outside looking in all the time... as if my bubble was blowing across the landscape of other people's lives and interactions, merely witnessing but not being able to participate or touch anything that can be seen. I seem to be so content in my bubble that the thought of having to do anything that is apart from it seems to be a really really bothersome task... I find I'm irritable at really small things.

The trouble is this is a phase that comes and goes regularly.

I used to think that am the sort who likes leaving footprints just so she may be assured that her presence was marked somehow... and yet, I am so secretive that I might as well die tomorrow and leave people wondering about trivial things people seem to know so well apropos each other. I have not read a new book in ages... or enjoyed any of the ones I did re-read. My writing's taken a gigantic leap downwards and I am still happy in my bubble.

I'm not saying I want my bubble burst. I shall emerge by and by.


  1. I gather from this post (and what you'e told me elsewhere) that you just want to be left alone - anonymous, oblivious to your surroundings. Is it really a crime feeling that way? I don't think so. Heck, I've been experiencing the exact same feelings for the past week or so and people have been coming to me saying "This isn't right" or "You can't be left like this" or "No man is an island". All I did was look at them and told them they wouldn't understand. It depends from person to person. You and I tend to go through phases - of wanting to stay aloof at one time and wanting to socialize the other. It's just the way things are. Others can deal with it, we can just carry on doing what we were.

  2. Yes others can deal with it, just that... they don't always. The phases we have leave them feeling we're not interested and things resulting in the relationship cooling off thanks to misunderstandings... that is what saddens me.

  3. That is rather unfortunate. However, if these friends don't understand you enough to give you space when you need it, don't even try to understand and instead let the relationship cool off, maybe they weren't as good friends as you thought they were.

  4. That seems a trifle harsh actually... I would be left with no friends if I were to follow that to the T... what do I say... it seems like both parties are in the right.

  5. You know what Anya, its not the constant squabbles between 'discovering of solitude'
    and 'cozy feeling of togetherness' that ruptures the worldly connections, but its the guilt you stock inside that does the most damage.

    Everyone requires solitude. Everyone needs to float alone for a while, a little above from choking crowd of rush of people we are born in midst of.

    Alas, not many accept the concept of knowing oneself as it is a truth that cannot be taught. They name it fear, confusion, feeling
    of emptiness or rather immature act (Psst, not everyone is wrong though).

    But on the accounts of the blisters of my very own experience i would share one advise, dont feel guilty at these things.

    I have a practical solution for this!!
    Get out in the open air,
    look 90 degree straight in the sky,

    Okay normally i charge 7000 per advise but for you its 2500 :)

  6. Why, Thank you... but you ought to have asked me before giving away advice freely... now I shan't pay :D buwahahhahahahahah!!!