London does have one thing I absolutely detest. Pigeons.
They're everywhere!!! And guess what? They don't behave like normal pigeons. These ones are completely mentally deranged. They don't fly. Their cries are guttural and revolting. They walk everywhere... and, they have no fear of us humans. Countless times have I seen the bloody birds walk right up to some poor sod who is peacefully hanging out at the park enjoying a picnic lunch and harassing him to no end. They simply walk right up to where you are and stand there staring at you! At worst, they look like a bunch of disgusting dirty lecherous old men and make me want to grab them and wring their necks. At best (relatively) they remind of the quintessential fat bitch in class who was popular for no fathomable reason and went about dumping her considerable weight and attitude on everyone else (who might now be an auntie of the first order attending kitty parties and cooing over Ekta Kapoor's crap) and I feel like giving the stupid kabootars one tight slap. gah.
It doesn't help any that my feline tendencies have gone into overdrive since Rayshma's visit.
And with that bacground begins this awesome story. I have had my status message set to "Eh Kabootar! Khauu kya tereko?" feeling encouraged to bring out my weird side a lot more. Don't get me started on the responses I got for that ... suffice to say I don't have the patience to keep explaining things to everyone who asks. Well that made Catty laugh. It also attracted the attention of Catty's husband Vin.
And provided them much entertainment on a long drive back home from Houston apparently. Copy pasting Catty's email, enjoy:
Vin suggests... and i merely document it.Dewdrop should come out with an album. she can call it "eh kabootar"title song: eh kabootar... khau kya tereko
remaining tracks:
a. kabootar aa aa aa... main tujhko kha kha loon
b. gutur gutur... gutur gutur... chadh gaya oopar re... main kabootar ko khaakar hi lautu re...
c. pet kabootar khaana hai.. har ek ko pakadke khaana hai!
d. eh kabootar! zara chalke dikha... zara udna zara... zara mudke dikha hungry hungry si fiza hai... hole hole se pet mein dauda koi chooha haisomething something... yeh dua hai... roko roko yeh kabootar toh udne hi laga hai... u & me... we were meant to be.. tu mera khaana... yeh teri destiny... kabootar singing chuo na chuo na... par mere todo na... ho jaunga main khafa...
(this was added by urs truly.)
e. mere mann ko bhaaya... main kabootar kaat ke khaya (this could also be ur SM. i LOVE it, actually! :D)
you can enlist the assistance of our beloved Galadriel to put the 2 non-songs to a tune. or even sing with you, if required. :D you share copyrights and royalties with vin. :D i shall observe you guys and have fun.
It doesn't end there. Having spent the morning laughing my guts out imagining myself running after random kabootars and gobbling them up, I found Catty online and having thanked her and Vin for such a brainwave, I said we need to work on this thing a bit more. And here's what followed:
Catty: we gave u six songs. u come up with 2.. and we have an album :D
me: content sourcing tum karogi
Catty: lucky kabootar we can take
me: I'll take anything with kabootar in it :D :P
Catty: so u need one song now
me: I have the perfect idea for our album
ek sad song toh hona chahiye na
Reshma: okay...
me: kyon na un bechaare gateway waale shaheed kaboontron ke naam ek gaana likhen?
Remember you saw it here first and that Vin and I hold copyrights on this one. :D
This post leaves me a bit more respectful of the (erstwhile) blasted Indian pigeons, though I'm still a little amazed that a bunch of their English cousins could invoke such revulsion :P. Esp the part about dirty lecherous old men :)).
ReplyDeleteAnd if you did somehow manage to get one to sit still while you slapped it, I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for it :P. Poor thing might still be in its green days ;).
awwww.... know what? just run towards them in slow motion and they'll all fly in unision, just like in the movies :)
ReplyDeletehillarious!
@someone: it isn't diff to get those kabootars to sit still... they attempt to nibble your boot/shoe/toe.. and are too fat to fly!!!
ReplyDeletedewdrop - i'm telling u... those kabootars have evil plans of world domination... they'll take over london from the brits & indians soon! :D
we SHOULD come out with this album! :D
THANK YOU. no seriously someone just had to say this. just to you know check with myself I'm not turning insane or something, those bloody things walk. you've felt it too, right? and when approached, they don't actually fly, they run. lazy bastards. there I was, strolling around with a friend one dreaded day, only to be abruptly interrupted by those ghastly little fat things with wings. as much as I was prepared to ignore them the very next instant, she disappointingly, wasn't. out leapt a sudden shriek of fear, only to be followed by her dancing around like a maniac shouting, letting the whole world know she didn't quite fancy walking pigeons. her unexpected public display of paranoia left me speechless and drenched in gallons of embarrassinesia. but living in a city where pigeons are more health conscious work out more than them people itself, I don't blame her. fucking pigeons.
ReplyDeleteSomeone: Trust me, I have the utmost respect for pigeons in India. They are coy beautoful damsels compared to the ugly revolting buggers out here. I've seen them attempt flight but only so they can grab a french fry out of someone's open packet!!! They are beyond irritating. See rayshma's response.
ReplyDeleteAnna Bond: hahahahhahaha!!! Okay I tried that... they STILL won't fly away!!! They will pretend to walk away... they will take a bit out of your ruddy shoe but they will not budge!!!
Rayshma: :D Thank you for supporting me on this!! The album is my project when I come and visit you :D
Vaudevillian: You see?! I know I could count on you to back me up!!!! God I could kick them... fucking pigeons!!!
I wish I'd a licensed gun!!! I would just sit at my terrace and shoot the moment they thought of landing on my terrace. I HATE THEM! seriously... and I guess the English touch doesn't render them any better, eh?
ReplyDeleteTrust me... the kabootars in India are laakh guna behtar than the ones here. Ask Catty.
ReplyDeleteu DO know... that everybody doesn't ask "catty"??
ReplyDeletehahahaha!!! :D