Yeh Mera India

Bollywood's answer to Friends makes Hollyoaks look like porn

That's the headline of the review of 'Jaane Tu... Ya Jaane Na' that appeared in The Guardian. I haven't even started on the review and I'm actually having issues with this article. I'll try not to go on for too long about it, but the basic premise itself is so wrong. What possible comparision can there between the American F.R.I.E.N.D.S and British show Hollyoaks? They're based in two utterly different cultures, involve people of different age groups and most basic of all, F.R.I.EN.D.S was a comedy whereas Hollyoaks (what little I watched of it) seemed more of a drama. So yes, this review starts out on the wrong foot. But hang around for the main course of foot-in-mouth.

For starters (of wait those were already served, sceond helpings of starters then) 'Jaane Tu...' was in no way India's answer to F.R.I.E.N.D.S. And not only because the movie doesn't involve any actual sex between any of the characters. Which seems to be the main bone of contention with the reviewer. Who thereby misses the point of the movie, in my very humble opinion.

'... I found it as painful and mind-numbing as someone drilling a hole in my head and filling it with cement. A mainstream movie that seeks to portray India's MTV generation's progress into adulthood, it tiptoes through the issues of sex and dating with a timidity makes Hollyoaks look like porn. But the theatre was packed with people of all ages, from babies through to grandparents, and many twenty-somethings – who loved every minute.'

Mmmm... painful... mind-numbing... head... cement... I watched the movie you know. It made me laugh. And while I'm unable to appreciate the whole best-friends-louve-each-other angle*, this is what the movie is. It definitely is the portrayal of India's MTV generation's rogress into adult-hood but essentially, it's a love-story. Like most Indian movies are. And the fact that the reviewer missed this is evident in his very first sentence (beyond the allusion to porn in the headline)

'I sometimes feel completely out of the loop of contemporary India.'

Yes, Mr Nirpal Dhaliwal. Indeed you do. With all due respect, I am guessing you're a second or third generation British-Indian, the kind whose only connection to anything Indian is the trace element of 'Indian culture' which you exhibit when it suits you, mostly when you eat Indian takeout on the days you're too bored with your usual fare. As do I guess that only your Indian roots begot you the chance to write this review in the first place. Excuse my vituperative tongue, but I am absolutely riled by the fact that someone who doesn't even begin to understand the things that constitute being 'Indian' is daring to diss a product of that very Indianness.

And so, you merrily write things such as

After a date with Meghna, Jai returns home and breathlessly tells his mum, "I have a girlfriend!" and the two stay up late chatting excitedly about her. He bases this assertion on the fact that he watched a Bond movie with a woman who kissed him goodnight on the forehead afterwards. God knows what he would have said had Meghna let him have a fumble.

There it is, again. Sex. And as if to further illustrate your point, you come up with this gem

The film then enters a strange period in which people who aren't having sex with each other steal glances at someone they're not having sex with, envying or despising them for being the person that the one they're not having sex longs to be not having sex with above all others.

I won't even pretend that I understood what you were trying to say. And this after trying several times to read through that sentence. First in a rush, hoping the meaning would hit me, much like a train hits you if you run at it full speed... when that didn't happen, then slowly, pausing so I understood the seprarate segments... but I'm afraid I had to give it up... it just doesn't make sense you see.

And then you wrap up your narration of the plot with

He and Aditi tumble into a sexless, no-kissing embrace and decide to go off to New York together and happily never have sex ever after.

Sex? Is that ALL you could think of through this movie?? Beg pardon, but there seem to be some unaddressed issues here with you.

The point being that, the no-sex was not because this was an Indian film (not entirely anyway... there's enough smut in our movies, thank you, just not your variety), but because this was not about sex at all. This was about relationships. And here's a revelation. Relationships can be interesting and riveting without having to have sex to show for it. This isn't some 'sex is against the Indian culture' attitude either. It's just that, relationships aren't given the casual status in India as they are in... the west. A boy and a girl dating isn't about the first time they play tonsil-hockey and who was better at it, or when they finally 'did it' and how good and passionate it was on a scale of one to ten... it's not about sex only. It's about the more delicate things.

Like the first time you realise you have feelings for someone. And how you grapple with those feelings, feeling shy, nervous, hopeful and terrified of confessing your love to the object of your affections. The way your heart bursts with happiness when your feelings are reciprocated and you are finally able to tell the world (if it cares in the first place, which in India it does btw) that you've found love and are celebrating. It's about excitedly telling your friends about this new development, hopefully sharing the joy with your family as well and then excitedly discussing it... It's about the time when you plan the perfect birthday for your love interest, scrimping and saving so that every little detail is perfect. It's about the plans you make for your first ever Valentine's Day together. Your first walk together in the rain. Your first bike-ride...

It's about the things that seem to be taken for granted over at yours and seem stale to an experienced dating society.

Sex figures in it all, but it's not the only thing. That is the crux, of this movie, of India's MTV generation and the crux that should have been of the review of this movie. I'm not saying this was the most brilliant film ever made about the Indian youth. But I am saying that it merited better treatment than it received at your hands.

Everyone talks about the 'Indian culture' without ever really being able to define it. I won't deny that there is much that is wrong with it and the mindsets of the Indian society regarding a few things. But we're still able to dream of delicate firsts and camaraderie with parents on issues that are central to us as the new youth... maybe on cellloid, but dream we still do. Which is more than can be said about other sex-obsessed societies which have long past lost any similar values or connections they had to those values.

A review is only good in as much as the reviewer is able to fully immerse himself in the subject and then find flaws with it. It isn't sunbathing sitting at the side of the pool, paddling with your legs in the water.

On an aside, I thought it was commendable that the very-adored character of Jai in the movie didn't have a cell-phone and refused to have one. It speaks to me of an inexplicably grounded, sensible, sensitive, comfortablein-his-middle-class-skin character. And I would any day go out with him, purely for the fact that he doesn't have a cell phone.

*mostly because right since I discovered boys, the idea of ever having to consider your male best friend as a sexual object put me off big time. Turning an asexual thing into potent sexuality is NOT a turn on.

Hello, I'm Advil Tylenol. I'm An Evil Genius in Training.

My boss and I relieve the tedium of our routine by passing snippets of fascinating info to each other as and when the mood/idea strikes. I just told him about reading a piece in the paper where some guy was saying naming kids after medicine names would be so great. And this is tge conversation tht followed:

Boss: There aren't any cool names in medicine really. And besides, this opens up a whole new world od possibilities regarding the meanings of those names!

Me: Oh I can't really remember, but he did mention quite a few names.

Boss: Yes but imagine their difficulties in later life. Any email addressed to them would immediately be directed to spam!

Me: True

Boss: Oh wait! This is a campain! The parents are spammers and they're going to use this as their weapon to legalize those names and get them removed from the spamming list... and then they'd be rich!

Me: Wow, you really do think far ahead!

Boss: Did I mention I'm moonlighting as an evil genius who plans to take over the world?

Me: So what am I doing HERE as your assistant? You should give me a job!

Boss: Well, you'd have to be a henchman and that job comes with several drawbacks, the main being that you'd be first destroyed at the hands of my nemesis, James Blunt. However, if you do manage to make it to the promoted post of minion, there are perks.

Me: Oh I'm sure I'll survive.

Boss: Okay I'll get you an application form for 'Henchman' then.

Of 'summer'

I know I wrote 'Goodbye summer' and yes I did mean for it to lead you all to believe that I was talking of the season ending. And maybe I should be proud that I could make you all think that was all I was talking about, I am proud that I could reverse reading between the lines... but it also makes me feel terrible. I have no idea why. Maybe I didn't actually want to reveal my true feelings then. But I'm sick of hiding things. And so I shall say exactly what I want to, no hide and seek anymore.

Here's the truth about this piece: It wasn't about summer. Not entirely. It was about one time which could have been summer, it was about a person who I had associated with a certain summer. This was me saying goodbye to a former friend... this was me ending things*. But save your sympathy etc, I had to get it out of my system. And I have now. Thanks for sticking around though!

*And no it was not a break-up.

Let's Say Goodbye

I'm not mad that you won't talk to me anymore. I'm not even sad. I just feel bad. Not at having lost you. There wasn't anything left to lose, was there?

I feel disappointed though that you didn't even attempt to fight for me. It's not even you actually. This wasn't something I could've won anyway. Winning is when something might be considered yours. I despair because I've been on both sides of the fence and neither time did I have the felicity of being fought for.

Not your fault however. Or your responsibility. You did what you had to and Im not going to hold that against you. I'm not that girl. I won't try to force my way into where I'm not needed nor welcome. I will not try to resurrect what was. Because I know when something is over. And I'm wise enough to know that trying will not bring it back. And the end of something isn't always a cause for mourning. Sometimes it's just what was before something else came along. Something that isn't necessarily better, but just is. It's just different.

So I shall not mourn, or pine. I shall not spend quiet evenings pondering over what went wrong and what could have been different. Because nothing went wrong nor could it have been different. It was what it was meant to be. I shall not miss you. Not really. But I shall think of you. Not often — but I shall.

I do wish however that you had found it in you to have simply stated the end, said goodbye, rather than disappear without a word. Not because you owe me an explanation. You do not. And not because I don't understand why. But because saying goodbye was the thing to have done.

Goodbye summer.

We were the cloud shape that lasted a few moments before the wind blew it away.

Now it's you to yours and me to mine,
And like that, we shall be just fine.

Who Will Louve Me?

I was pestering B while at work asking her to talk to me. I did the whole pouting bit and burst out with

"Nobody louves me, I'm going to the garden to eat worms."

She retorted: The worms might just love you.

We already kow slugs do. Heh.

What Does Your Garden Grow?

So, I had a chance to have a good look at the garden yesterday, considering I spent an hour and a half doing that, albeit from one spot. I could very well have been looking at the people going by and come up with something interesting to report... but hey, people aren't all that interesting to me.

Anywhooo.... it was raining the garden soon turned into a freaking slugfest! I could see the tiny buggers everywhere (That's an effor given the poor state of my eyesight, but I did, I swear!) I spotted one centimetres away from my foot and the damn thing started crawling just then. And I know it's silly, but it's absolutely revolting to see one of them crawl more so if they look like they're crawling right towards you. yeuch!! And no, don't gimme the 'All god's creatures great and small' line... I worked for BNHS and I've done my share of loving all creatures, thank you very much.

And after I'd gotten over my initial revulsion, I started paying more attention to sluggy. (Yeah that's how it rolls, it's 'Slug!!' at first, with revulsion, then it becomes 'Mr.Slug' with a minimum amount of respect' and then it's 'Sluggy' in a very comrade-type way.) Sluggy was determinedly crawling as I mentioned before. I'm here to tell anyone who calls them slow-coaches, they're NOT. They're bloody crawling like jelly on a tilted plastic surface!!!


Trying to pass the time by watching sluggy and his friends (uh uh, gimme one reason why slugs should be female? Oh wait, they're hermaphrodites, so it doesn't make any difference :P). Sluggy nimbly crawled and climbed up the wall next to me and when I wondered why he'd do that, he firstly took shelter under the metal bar that separates our property from the neighbours... dunno why, they DO like water after all... My questions were answered when I found sluggy acting all come-hither with another slug that was there. They fooled around for a bit and just as I was thinking I ought to offer my congratulations on the happy event, they decided they weren't suited for each other and moved on. Oh well.

Then there was the other one... crawled towards the puddle that had formed in the handholds of a sewage tank cover and stayed there for a bit, probably contemplating whether to dive in or not. It finally just lounged around at the side of the puddle, much like humans do beside pools... and then got bored and started crawling away.

I also saw a lone garden snail. Man these snails are batty. Last I saw one, it has bits of dirt sticking to its shell. I counted 16 slugs and that one garden snail before I went inside.

What was I doing out in the rain for 90 mins you ask? I forgot my keys in the morning. Yes yes, we all know where this is headed. I got locked out. Again. Stop sniggering. NOW.

What Has Long Legs, A Fuzzy Head and Black and Yellow Hair?

Me.

This is what you get for going to bed thinking about colouring your hair and thinking back to 'The Bee Movie' that you watched two nighs back, at the same time. Dreams where your stylist is recommending that you streak your hair yellow.

The Definition of Recognition in My Crazy World

You guys remember my train fiasco right? So today morning on my way to work, I managed to get my regular train rather than being late and then having to rush to the underground station and then battle claustrophobia for 30 minutes.

Anyhoo, just as the train was pulling into its final destination, guess what the display board should flash?

'THIS TRAIN IS EMPTY TO DEPOT. PLEASE ALIGHT HERE...'

Tom & Jerry, new episode

So what if it's Friday? It means nothing when the editor's going on holiday and we have to work at double speed to get things off to press and to other editors.

Anyway, amidst the madness that had taken hold of our office today, busy trying to get a hundred things done, all which needed my attention and completion at ONCE, I decided to double check some detail before I sent something out. So I'm standing there, doors to our cupboards open, diligently perusing whatever document it was in my hands and I hear a gasp behind me. I turned around, frowning slightly, only to see my boss standing there, eyes wide, hand covering his mouth. Deftly putting two and two together I asked him 'Were you just about to shut the door with me behind it?' He recovered and said 'I was going to apologise if that makes it better.'

So, you see, sometimes we play Tom & Jerry at work for amusement.

*Excited shriek* Sigh!!!!

It's totally totally worth going alone to my favourite Italian for lunch.

The food is unsurpassable and if that were not enough... I even get to be seated right in front of the lovely little kitchen, have the rather dashing young waiter and the kitchen staff flirt with me (and who knew smiles and twinkles could be THAT communicative? :D)... my waiter spoke in Italian throughout, I have no idea why but heck... he and the kitchen staff seemed to think it absolutely heaven-sent to have me seated under their noses :P (God, am giggling like I were seventeen... can't help it, everytime anyone gives me this super-gorgeous-woman treatment I melt :P)

Top it all off with not one but two pieces of my favourite complimentary dark chocolate and what you've got yourself is a very happy, sated, giggling me... happy to while away the afternoon at work, which at first had seemed so boring. :D :D :D

I Have A Master's Degree. In Getting Locked Up.

Remember how I got locked out and then locked in?? Turns out that the degree I began with those apparently reached a conclusion yesterday as I set a new record for myself, excelling in such activities, as they may be.

I was out shopping after work and got to the station way later than usual. The display board was yet to announce the platform on which my train stood but I sallied forth confidently, not letting that deter me.

I saw the train that comes from home pulling in and by over using my mental capacity, figured this was the one I was supposed to board. So I did, after dutifully letting the passengers get off. I chose a seat and made myself comfortable thinking gleefully how I'd been so smart as to choose a seat near the door which would open right in front of the exit of my home station.

Toodle doodle doo... tweet tweet... deeet... sat there twiddling my thumbs mentally, waiting for the announcement, other passengers... something that would be indicative of the normalcy of this situation. And then, CLANG! The doors shut. The display starts to show the trainis heading t another station. And I'M THE ONLY FREAKING PASSENGER IN THE TRAIN!!!!

To add some merriment to this situation my phone starts buzzing just then and since I recently changed my ringtone to 'Dakota' and it scared the friggin hell out of me when it rang in the middle of the night while I was in that state between sleep and wakefulness and am yet to fully recover from the trauma of this, it didn't help things one bit.

Anyhoo... after much running back and forth between the two sets of doors and activating the emergency alarm and standing like a fool while people passed by without so much as looking at me (Was it because I was wearing black???!!! NOOOOOOOO... I'M A RIGHT HOTTIE YOU FOOLS!! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE ME??!!!)... I had a guard come spot me, give a slightly undecided look and finally unlock the doors. He also asked 'Where were you when we were checking the train earlier?' I was trudging towards it, that's where I was. hmpfh!n an aside, why doesn't it ever happen that, for for-the-sake-of-posterity type moments, nobody ever asks 'Where were you all my life?' type questions??? Ok, maybe not. That would be freaky. So yeah, he helped me out all the while looking like he was mentally shaking his head going 'Damn fools! THIS is what I do with my life, deal with people like HER! GAH!'

Long story short, I hopped on the right train and came home.

No, I don't do embarassment... not much point really because that would mean I'd be embarassed all the time.

Soooo.... if this was the conclusion of my MA in Locked Up, I wonder what my graduation's going to be like. *sarcasm* can't wait! *end sarcasm*